Home Safety - Lighting The Way

This is part three in our four part series on creating a safe environment for an aging love one. When it comes to safety in the home, prevention really is the best medicine. Elder-proofing will help your loved one maintain a sense of independence affording you the peace of mind that comes with knowing you’ve provided every safeguard for their wellbeing.

 Lighting is important safety consideration. The correct lighting can go a long way in helping protect your loved one against falling and ensure they feel more comfortable in their home. Here’s a few simple steps to take:

Lighting the Way

- It is easier for elderly eyes to adjust if there are consistent lighting levels throughout the house, so consider using low-glare bulbs and shades.

- Nightlights are helpful to guide your parent along stairways as well as from the bedroom to the bathroom and kitchen.

- Light switches placed at both the top and bottom of stairs will ensure good visibility also ensure there are switches at both ends of long hallways.

- Install a light switch that can be reached from the bed to prevent your parent from fumbling in the dark if they awaken in the middle of the night.

- Illuminated light switches are much easier to locate in the dark, or you may choose a clap-on, clap-off lighting system.

- Make sure light switches are located near the entrance to rooms or consider adding automatic lighting where lights turn on when your loved one enters a room.

- Flashlights should be easily accessible in all rooms of the home, especially the bedroom.

Staying Safe Outdoors

 - Outside the home, make sure all walkways, paths, steps, decks, porches and entranceways have good lighting, solid traction and handrails for support.

-Exterior motion sensing floodlights will light your parent’s way and avoid the necessity of fumbling with keys in the dark.

There are many lighting products on the market today that are easy to install. By taking these simple steps your loved one’s home can remain a place of safety and comfort and you can retain peace of mind.

Home Safety, A Look At The Bathroom

This is part two in our four part series on creating a safe environment for an aging love one. Most people are familiar with the concept of childproofing a home when a new baby arrives. There are several steps you can take to “elder-proof” your home and ensure a safe and comfortable environment for your parents in their later years. One of the key rooms of concern is the bathroom. The bathroom can be the most dangerous room in the house, with slippery surfaces that are easy to fall on and sharp or hard corners where someone can hit their head. Making the bathroom safe is an important step in helping your aging loved one to maintain their independence.

Here’s a few simple steps:

- Add an elevated toilet seat with handgrips on both sides. Ensuring that the toilet tissue is within easy reach can ease the strain on an aging parent’s back and legs, thus reducing the risk of falling.

- Equip the tub with a  grab bars or a handrail placed at both sitting and standing levels. When using a bath chair or shower chair make sure that there are rubber grippers on the chair’s feet. Also make sure the chair is at the correct height so your loved one’s feet rest on the floor.

- If using a bedside commode, place it as close to the bed as possible.

- Use secure non-slip mats in the tub or shower, along with a wall-mounted liquid soap dispenser to keep your parent from having to bend down to retrieve a dropped bar of soap.

- Consider changing to hand-held shower devices. They are much easier to use when mobility is limited.

- If your parent does happen to slip in the tub, a shower curtain securely mounted into the wall will offer more support than a pressure-hung curtain that will pull away easily.

With the right bath safety cautions and aids in place, one of the most dangerous rooms in the house can become one of the safest.

Tips On Making Home Safe For Your Loved Ones

Most people are familiar with the concept of childproofing a home when a new baby arrives. But what about bringing your aging parents in to live with you when independent living is no longer an option? There are several steps you can take to “elder-proof” your home and ensure a safe and comfortable environment for your parents in their later years. And when a parent, who is facing an advanced illness is living with you, home safety takes on a new level of importance.

A primary safety concern with the elderly is the prevention of falls. Falls are the leading cause of injury or even death among the elderly. This four part series will focus on ways to safeguard your home against potential falls.

General Tips For Preventing Falls

- Remove all tripping hazards such as books, shoes, toys, electrical cords, etc., from the floors.

- Remove all throw rugs.

- Remove furniture from high-traffic areas if possible, and pad any sharp edges with plastic bumpers.

- Remove the casters to stabilize movable furniture items.

- Remove unstable tables and stools to avoid tipping, and put fragile or breakable items away.

- If your parent uses a cane, you may also wish to attach a loose wrist loop to the handle. This will prevent your parent from having to bend down to retrieve a dropped cane.

- Polish linoleum and wood flooring using only non-slip floor wax.

- Textured strips can also be placed on linoleum to provide better grip, and all spills should be cleaned up immediately.

- Add grab bars or handrails along staircases and hallways to help prevent falls, and grab bars next to closet doors to support your parent while dressing.

- Place colored, non-slip strips along areas where floor levels change, such as stairs and doorway thresholds, to help clearly identify where your parent will need to step up or down and prevent stumbles.

- Make sure the bed and chairs are easy to get in and out of, and that chairs have solid and supportive arms and backs.

- Keep frequently used items such as glasses, water, phone, tissue, remote control, etc by bed or chair.

- If your loved one feels dizzy or light-headed after standing remind them to sit down or stay seated until their head clears or; call for assistance if available.  Have them stand up slowly after eating, lying down or resting to avoid unsteadiness.

Understand that as your loved one begins to loose their independence it is important to try and understand their desire for independence while still ensuring they are safe. Including them on decisions, asking their opinion, concerns will help. Remember, this is not an easy time for them and though your ultimate goal is their safety, bringing them into the decision process will go a long way to make them regain a sense of control.

These few simple steps can make a big difference in providing a safe environment for your loved one.

Remembering A Loved One During The Holidays

 Losing someone close to you is often a very painful experience. Holidays, anniversaries and other special occasions can intensify that pain, but planning a remembrance or ritual to celebrate your loved one’s life can ease the sorrow of these challenging times and help preserve memories of the affection you shared.

The holidays can be particularly difficult for those left behind, but may also offer a unique opportunity to honor your loved one. Placing a special ornament on the tree, setting out a cherished decoration or serving a favorite holiday meal can evoke fond memories. Friends and family may wish to share notes of remembrance placed in a stocking put up for your loved one. A candle might be lit in memory, or perhaps a toast or prayer can be offered in tribute before a meal. Money that would have been spent on a gift could be donated in your loved one’s name to a favorite charity, homeless or animal shelter, or a needy family.

Holidays can be special times to celebrate your loved one. Friends and family may come together to share stories and cherished memories, such as the way they laughed or their favorite quotes. Sharing these recollections with younger friends and family members is a wonderful way to honor your loved one, who may have passed before the children were old enough to know them. By gathering old photos, you can make a mosaic or a memory album of the times you spent together. Create a calendar from pictures or drawings with poems written to or about them, or simply write a letter to express your feelings.

Crafts offer many unique opportunities to remember those close to you who have passed. You might make a quilt from their favorite clothes, inscribe their name on a piece of jewelry, or compile treasured possessions and photos into a scrapbook that will be cherished for years to come. A wonderful way to remember a loved one who enjoyed cooking might be to create a memory cookbook. These favorite recipes can recapture loving memories of family dinners, picnics and holiday meals, especially if you include photos and captions with them.

Celebrating and honoring the memory of your loved one is an important part of coming to terms with your own grief and healing from your loss especially during the holidays.

As you make plans for these remembrances, be aware that we all respond to grief in our own way and have our own methods of coping. Communicate with your family and friends about how you want to remember and honor your loved one. During your grieving process, understand that you may continue to feel sad, angry or lonely for a long time. But you will also gradually experience increased periods of joy and happiness. These are all normal emotions, and feeling happy doesn’t disrespect your loved one’s memory. It simply reflects your progression from mourning to a celebration of the life you shared together as you journey through your grief toward healing, hope and renewal.

Embracing National Hospice Month

This month, communities across the country are doing their part to spread the word that November is National Hospice and Palliative Care Month, and Hospice of Santa Cruz County (HSCC) is emphasizing the importance of the care that hospice provides for all residents, regardless of age, location or diagnosis.

Consistently more than 90 percent of people polled say they want to die at home surrounded by their loved ones, with their symptoms managed and their pain controlled.  However, more than 70 percent of us die in hospitals and other institutions. Though the use of hospice has increased, only 41.9 percent of patients nationally receive hospice care and often not until the last week of life, too late to attend to all the needs of the dying. HSCC strives to reach all appropriate patients and families so that support can be provided for many months ar the end-of-life.

During this last year HSCC provided compassionate, professional end-of-life care to 850 patients and their families throughout Santa Cruz and Northern Monterey counties.  The grief support team compassionately guided 1,619 hospice family members and 712 grieving community members through their grief journey.  Recognizing the special needs of children in grief, 994 grief support sessions were provided for children and teens.  All services are offered in English and Spanish.

“National Hospice Month reminds us that the care we are privileged to provide brings hope that helps people at the end of life to  live as fully as possible.  Hopsice care offers dignity and comfort when there is not a cure and surrounds families with support at one of life’s most challenging times,” said Michael Milward, chief executive officer, Hospice of Santa Cruz County. National Hospice Month also serves as a reminder that while there are many end of life care options, hospice provides the most opportunities to live life fully. Researchers found that the patients receiving hospice care reported a higher quality of life through the final course of their illness.

“We want to ensure that people understand that help is available and that’s why National Hospice and Palliative Care Month is so close to our hearts after decades of observance. November provides a special  opportunity to educate and inform communities,” said Milward. HSCC provides expert pain management, symptom control, social support and spiritual care to patients and their loved ones when a cure is not possible. Hospice services are covered by Medicare, Medi-Cal and by most insurance plans.

“There’s an inaccurate perception among the American public that hospice means you’ve given up, when It’s really about living life to the fullest. Hospice and palliative care allows patients and their families to focus on what’s most important, living life and creating memories that can be cherished despite an advanced illness,”  Milward said.

How to Shoot a Photo to Remember

Editor's Note: Here is a great post we'd like to share by Susan Seliger via The New York Times.

Sometimes the realization comes almost too late — you sense that your parents or other loved ones may soon be gone, and it dawns on you that you don’t have any recent photos to remember them by.

Sure, you might have a few photos of them in their youth, before you even knew them. But what about a photo of them now, so you can remember the person you have come to know so intimately over these years of caring for them?

Those photos are harder to come by. As readers of this blog know, those of our parents’ generation did not grow up with a camera in their pockets to record every moment with friends on Facebook.

A lot of people who are now elderly “only have a high school senior photo – they don’t ever visit a photographer again,” said Steve Bedell, a professional photographer in Dover, N.H. “That’s why it’s so important to document these people at an older age.”

Mr. Bedell began doing just that several years ago, when his mother-in-law moved into a nursing home. He found the process so moving that he eventually took photos of 30 of the other residents, too, at no charge — to the delight of the residents and their families.

You don’t have to be a professional to take a memorable photo, of course. But snapping the elderly involves some unique challenges. So I consulted several experts in this area for their tips.


One thing they all agreed on: It’s never too late. Even if your relatives are frail or suffering from dementia or in the hospital or a nursing home, there are still ways to capture the essence of who they were and, beneath the lines and curving spines, still are.

Here’s how to take your best shot.

1. Help your loved one get dressed for the occasion.

“Hospital gowns depersonalize a human being,” said Dr. Jeffrey M. Levine, a geriatrician at Beth Israel Medical Center in New York who has been taking photos of the elderly across the country for decades. (See his Web site and many of the pictures in the slide show at the top of this post.) If dressing is not an option, at least help cover the person with a favorite shawl or quilt to add a personal touch.

“My father loved to put on hats and scarves and have his picture taken all bundled up,” said Susan Sermoneta, an English teacher at the Fashion Institute of Technology who spent six years photographing her father (some of the results are posted on her blog) until he died in February. Women, especially, may feel more relaxed in front of the camera if you’ve helped them apply some makeup or they have had their hair done (many nursing homes have salons).

2. Shoot in a cozy room, or at least in a comfortable position.

If your relatives are at home, find the room that makes them feel relaxed, like the kitchen. If they’re in a hospital, try to catch them when the hospital staff is changing the bed linens; they often move the patient to a nearby chair. Lying in a bed makes anyone feel weak and exposed.

3. Be sensitive to quirks and vulnerabilities.

If they have injuries or scars or IV tubes that make them self-conscious, reassure them that you’ll try to keep those things out of the photo.

“My father thought profiles were his best angle, so he would pose that way — always with his hands crossed over his chest,” recalled Ms. Sermoneta. “I asked him why, and he said, ‘If I don’t hug me, who will?’”

4. Bring in friends or other family members to engage with the person.

Never say “cheese!” Interacting with others will help animate their features and make them look — and feel — more cheerful and lively. Grandchildren and babies can be especially handy for eliciting natural smiles, said Mr. Bedell, “as long as you can control the grandkids” and send them home before everybody is exhausted.

5. Put on some music.

Music is relaxing (for the photographer, too), but for those with dementia, it also can sometimes spark unusual focus and clarity. (See “Revived by Music”, a blog post by my colleague Paula Span.)

“One elderly nun I photographed had lost her ability to speak because of dementia — but if you brought her to Mass, she could sing the hymns,” recalled Dr. Levine. “It connects dots in their brain and gives them a sense of well-being.”

6. Hand them a memory prop to get them talking.

Sometimes all it takes to get even elders with dementia talking happily about their lives is to have them hold an object that stirs up memories.

“I had a patient who was a fireman who kept a toy fire truck and the awards and medals that he had gotten,” said Dr. Levine. You should be careful with war memorabilia, though, Dr. Levine warned, as it may agitate some veterans.

7. Ask simple questions that play to their strengths.

Sometimes just asking about what games they played as children can trigger some great conversations. Questions that remind older people of who they used to be when they felt strong and independent can produce lively responses.

Dr. Levine recalled visiting an uncle with severe dementia who had been a doctor. “He still loved playing doctor,” said Dr. Levine, “so I asked him about a blood clot I had under the nail from slamming it in a door, and he grabbed my hand to examine it as he had done when I was a child.”

8. Forget the flash.

“You don’t want to have a big flash popping off in their faces,” said Mr. Bedell. It’s distressing, and the harsh light makes everybody look worse.

To use natural light, have your subject sit near a window or take her outside in the shade of a tree to get soft, even lighting. Remember, your subject should be facing the source of the light while you, the photographer, keep your back to it.

9. Don’t take pictures of people eating.

Resist that temptation, even though it may be one of the few times in the day when a very sick person is awake and alert. “They look really weird,” said Ms. Sermoneta. Not surprising – who does look their best when chewing?

10. Get close.

One of the big mistakes amateur photographers make, according to several of the pros, is that they are reluctant to get close enough.

That doesn’t mean you should stick the camera in your subject’s face. “I use a Telephoto lens so I can zoom in tight with just the head and shoulders filling the frame,” said Mr. Bedell. Even most standard point-and-shoot digital cameras have a zoom feature.

11. Know when to eliminate or include the background.

If your loved one is in a hospital or institutional setting, all those dangling wires and flashing machines can be just plain sad. Obscure that background by focusing closely on the person’s face (see Tip No. 13).

But sometimes people’s environment can provide the critical details you’re looking for to reveal their character and capture their spirit. “I photographed one nursing home patient who made herself a little shrine with angels, and a couple in Santa Fe who surrounded themselves with objects in their home that they loved,” said Dr. Levine.

12. Focus on body parts for variety.

After you’ve done the more traditional portrait, zero in on the parts. (Yes, sometime the sum of the parts is actually more than the whole.) “I like to zoom in on the hands, the eyes, maybe even shoot from behind or at other odd angles,” said Ms. Sermoneta.

13. Take lots and lots of shots.

“People always say to me, ‘Oh, I wish I had taken photos of my mother or father.’ Just take them!” said Ms. Sermoneta. Hundreds of them. “If you take enough, you’ll get one that feels true.”

14. Keep the sessions brief.

“I used to schedule 20 minutes for each person, but I found that the first 10 minutes is usually enough,” said Mr. Bedell — that is, unless you have friends and relatives around interacting with them.

In that case, you’re as good as invisible, so you can keep on shooting discreetly for as long as the subject’s energy — and yours — lasts.

15. Use these photo sessions as a chance to connect.
When you ask questions about your loved ones’ past, you’re not just getting them to look lively. You’re opening up an opportunity to discover things you may have never known.

For those whose relationship with a parent may have been awkward or troubled, examining the parent through a camera lens — instead of through the eyes of a vulnerable child — can provide the distance that, paradoxically, can bring you closer.

“My father was always hard to talk to — he was a drunk and sarcastic. Then he had dementia,” Ms. Sermoneta said, which made communication even harder. But she found that taking pictures of him gave her a way to see him more sympathetically and connect with him, without words getting in the way.

As Children Become Caregivers

Human nature dictates that we often experience child-parent struggles. The blurring of identities as our parents advance in age and we become their caregivers frequently intensifies these struggles. This can create tremendous strain on our ability to manage the day-to-day stresses of these new roles. But there are some relatively simple ways to handle the changes in your relationship and make the transition easier on you both.

Simply stopping and counting to 10 before responding to your parent will afford you precious seconds to calm yourself and potentially avoid an unnecessary argument. Those moments of deep breathing and hesitation can also give you an opportunity to more fully understand your reactions to stresses in your relationship. This, in turn, will help you transform your fight-or-flight instincts into more positive responses that can ultimately strengthen and deepen your bond with your parent.

If your parent has a tendency to use verbal negative cues to trigger you into offering an angry response, consider turning the avoidance of these “hooks” into a personal contest. See how many times you can refuse to take the bait, considering each time you pass up a negative hook an internal private victory. Understand that the best way to win an argument is by peacefully and calmly ending the discussion altogether.

Sometimes old patterns and routines can lead to falling into the same old traps and ruts. Try changing things up with new scenery and unexpected activities. This might refresh your outlook and help you and your parent see each other in a different, more compatible light where communication is easier and calmer. Along these same lines, introduce your parent to the adult you by involving them in your work, professional interests and colleagues if possible. By helping them see you as an adult instead of a child, it may be easier to break the old parent-child trap and talk with one another rather than at each other.

As your parents age, it’s important to maintain an open mind about your interactions with them. Understand that the aging process is difficult on them as well. Their lives are changing, as is yours, and these changes are often frightening and complicated. The fewer expectations you have on your relationship, the easier it will be to remain flexible and adaptive as you both journey through this unfamiliar territory. To remind yourself about the good times during those moments when things are less pleasant, keep a record of any positive interactions you have with your parents. You might even want to write a note to them during these times, to share your good feelings and happy experiences as a part of their lives.

Most importantly, remember to reward yourself for changing outcomes, avoiding old traps and restructuring your reactions. Refusing to take negative bait, being patient, and remaining flexible and adaptive are difficult challenges. Accomplishing these goals should be viewed as a personal victory. So give yourself a special treat for the effort you put into making these changes – a massage, favorite meal, time alone to read or relax to soothing music, whatever refreshes and renews you. As a caring and compassionate adult child of aging parents, you deserve it. And you’ll be better prepared to provide sensitive, loving support as a result.

Caring Stories: Celia Thompson Taupin

Bring comfort and care when it’s needed most

As Celia Thompson Taupin discovered in caring for her former husband, Jean, relieving pain is essential to living life in comfort and with dignity. Hospice of Santa Cruz County was there to help when help was needed most. Celia shares her story.

In his 91st year, my former husband Jean became progressively ill due to various health issues. In one six-month period, we took Jean to his internist, a pain doctor, a dentist, an optician, an audiologist, and a psychiatrist. We also made several long visits to the emergency room.

Jean’s biggest complaint was of severe back and leg pain. The doctors attributed the pain to degenerative arthritis and couldn’t offer anything that might help lessen his discomfort. We found his doctors impatient and dismissive and when they did refer Jean to a pain specialist, that doctor could not see him for several months.

Over the next few moths, Jean’s health continued to worsen and he began to lose his will to live. It was suggested that we involve Hospice. A Hospice nurse came out to evaluate him, and explain how hospice care worked. Weall agreed to the conditions of his becoming a hospice patient.

The Hospice staff gave us informed advice about Jean’s conditions. Karen, Jean’s caregiver, and I no longer had to frequently question whether or not to take him to the emergency room. Hospice provided him with necessary medications that gave him comfort, and they instructed us on how and when to safely use them. Once Jean had adequate pain relief, he stabilized and then actively improved. The peace of mind in simply knowing Hospice was available if he needed them added to his comfort level.

A Hospice nurse was able to talk with Jean in a way no other professional had before and she achieved a working alliance with him. She provided helpful suggestions to both Karen and myself about how we might best care for him. For Karen, having the ability to contact Hospice staff day or night was a great help. Frequently, Hospice professionals bathed Jean and assisted him with general personal care. Both of our assigned hospice aides provided excellent service and one of them was able to converse with Jean in his native French, which was both stimulating and reassuring to him.

Overall, the care that Hospice provided greatly reduced the anxiety we were all experiencing and greatly improved Jean’s general well being. Hospice not only greatly benefited Jean, it also transformed the care-giving experience for our family. In his last months, Jean achieved a level of acceptance and closeness to those around him, which was perhaps the greatest he had ever known.

Looking Back at a Successful Year

by Ann Carney Pomper, Executive Director

From time to time, a responsible organization must review and revise its mission, vision, and values to accurately represent its services and the needs of its constituents. During this past year, Hospice of Santa Cruz County’s Board of Directors and executive staff undertook this important task. The resulting intentions, shown on the cover of our newly-released 2009-10 Annual Report, emphasize a long-held ideal—that patients and families are the driving force behind their end-of-life decisions. This concept has been, and will continue to be, foundational to every aspect of HSCC’s programming as we strive to honor the wishes of our community members with the utmost integrity and professionalism.


HSCC’s dedicated staff and volunteers provided a record breaking 46,726 days of hospice care during 2009/10 all the while maintaining performance standards that have surpassed state and national benchmarks. Stringent MediCare guidelines for participation were met, thereby securing 90% of our annual budget through this essential revenue stream.

The impact of our Transitions program has also been more profoundly felt in the community with HSCC’s medical social workers easing the path from the hospital to home for more than 350 individuals annually. Grief support and educational programs are thriving, and we continue to focus on expanding bilingual access to these vital services.

While challenging economic times persist, I am happy to report that Hospice of Santa Cruz County continued to serve every eligible patient regardless of their ability to pay. Charity care for the uninsured in the amount of $90,000 was generously underwritten entirely by community members during the year. HSCC also realized a $273,240 savings as a result of the more than 13,000 hours of program support provided by volunteers.

Our successes in 2009/10 bring to mind Helen Keller’s words, “Alone you can do so little; together we can do so much.” I am deeply indebted to the broad family of supporters, philanthropic foundations, Legacy Circle members, Friends of Hospice, Hospice Angels, and volunteers who have made our work possible in the past, who continue to do so today, and who hold the vision of compassionate end-of-life care for our future.

Top Ten Ways to Manage Grief During the Holidays

The holidays can be a very difficult time for people who are grieving. You miss your loved one, especially during times of celebration and sharing. There is no easy way to make the grief go away, but there are certain strategies that can help you cope. Over time you will heal, but what can you do now? Here are some recommendations:

1. Take good care of yourself. Holidays are a busy time and it may be more challenging for you to accomplish all the different tasks you’ve done in holidays past. Don’t try to do more than you can handle. Take care of your basic daily needs – eating three meals a day, getting enough sleep, and exercising. If you don’t feel like writing holiday cards this year, people will understand. Maybe you’ll send them out next year.

2. Express your emotions. Don’t be afraid to cry if you need to, or tell people when you want extra space to be alone. If you feel like talking about your loved one, share your feelings with people who care. But if you’re not ready to do that, then let them know your wishes as well. Some people find comfort in keeping a journal to help them deal with their emotions. People grieve in different ways. Some express their emotions; others keep them inside. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but the more you share your story and the more often you can put these outside of your head, the greater the chance that your grief journey will be less difficult.

3. Seek help. Perhaps you used to cook the family holiday dinners and now you don’t even feel much like making just dessert. That’s okay. Ask for help from your friends and family. Maybe next year you will want to do more, but this year you may not be ready. Or, you may just need a shoulder to cry on. That’s where friends and counselors can make a difference.

4. Do something different. Some people find comfort in changing their routines. This may mean going out of town for the holidays. If you cooked at home, maybe going to a restaurant might be a good option. Or, just start a new tradition, such as seeing a movie after the holiday meal.

5. Celebrate in the same way. The opposite of the previous strategy is to stick with your traditional holiday routines with the same people and find comfort in them. How you react to this situation depends on your unique perspective. Not having your loved one there may trigger some sad moments. With time, however, these moments could transform into fond memories.

6. Help someone else. One way to feel more connected during the holiday is to volunteer. If you are at a point in your grief where you do can this, it’s very rewarding helping others.

7. Make a tribute to your loved one. Set aside some time to organize pictures and mementos. Talk about that person to your family, partner, spouse, and friends. Share the special holiday memories if that brings you comfort. You may not be able to do this the first year after your loss, but over time this ritual may become easier and healing.

8. Appreciate the people in your life. Your other loved ones need you and they can help you heal. The death of someone you love can make you realize just how precious life is and why it’s important to make the most out of blessings – even when you are struggling and with dealing with a loss.

9. Do something spiritual. This may involve visiting the cemetery of your loved one or attending a religious or non-denominational memorial service. You may also find a comfort in reading a poem or book or walking by the beach.

10. Don’t feel guilty about not being able to share the holidays in the same way as in the past. You may decide that you need extra time alone. Maybe you’re not ready to be immersed in the holiday spirit. Accept only the invitations that you think you can handle and try not to feel guilty about saying "no” to activities.

Hospice of Santa Cruz Country provides a variety of support to help people deal with grief during the holidays. Call 430-3000 and let us share the ways we can help.

Helping a Friend Who Is a Caregiver to a Hospice Patient

By Linda Donovan, Grief Support Volunteer, Hospice of Santa Cruz County

Someone you know may suddenly be thrust into the role of a caregiver to a loved one who has become a hospice patient. You may be asking these questions: How do you help your friend at this critical time? How can you provide the best assistance without being intrusive? What can you do to assist your friend in coping with her added responsibilities? Here are some strategies to consider:

1. Make it known that you are available to provide assistance and recommend specific ways you can help. Don’t expect the caregiver to have a long list of things for you to do, or even to know what could be delegated. She may be so overwhelmed that it’s too much effort to even think about the ways people can provide assistance to her. If that’s the case, make a few suggestions to her. Perhaps you could pick up groceries, cook a meal, watch her loved one while she leaves to do an errand, do laundry, or walk her dog.

2. Offer to contact other people for her to keep them updated on the patient’s condition. Caregivers are often inundated with calls from people wanting to know how the patient is doing and desiring to express their sympathy and support. While it may be comforting for the caregiver to talk with people, it’s also emotionally draining. She may have to repeat the same sad story to various people, when she’d prefer to spend that time taking care of her loved one. If you are close friends, offer to communicate messages to a group of people by phone or email to keep them updated on the patient’s progress.

3. Assist out-of-town relatives who may be visiting the patient. Your friend may have family members from out of town who want to visit. They may need to picked up from the airport or taken to a hotel. While their visits may be comforting and welcome, it still involves a level of coordination that the caregiver may not have the time or energy to manage. Volunteer to help with their transportation or find another friend who might assist as well.

4. Bring over a treat to share with the caregiver. Depending on the stage of a patient’s illness, the caregiver may want to leave the house. There may be many times where she could be eating alone, or be so preoccupied that she’s tempted to skip meals. Offer to stop by and bring some coffee, cake, or a meal that you can share with her at a time that is convenient.

5. Enlist other people to help. Some efforts can make such a difference. Cooking meals can become a challenge for the caregiver, who may not have the time or energy to cook or shop. Find out if the family has special dietary restrictions. Then offer to organize a group of friends who can deliver meals to the caregiver. By doing this you are able to take care of an important need for the family and give others a chance to help show they care.

Each hospice patient’s experience is unique and people have various levels of help that they are comfortable accepting. Talk with your friend to find out what would be most helpful and appropriate. By making it known that you care, and offering specific assistance, you can make a real difference in helping people during this challenging time.