Grief in the Holidays - Children and Teens

Holiday time can be painful for children and teens after the loss of a loved one. We're sharing tthe following tips to help your family through this delicate time:

For Teens
As painful as it is, begin early to plan the necessary coping strategies. Consider scheduling a family meeting in which everyone can express their feelings and expectations. Be prepared for a whole range of emotions. For teenagers this can range from anger to being mean. For others, they may try to be “strong” and protect a grieving parent. Do not use them as a crutch – they need to grieve also.

Questions to ask during the meeting:
• What did you like the best about past Christmases?
• What do we want to keep? What do we want to change or eliminate?

Make joint decisions. Teens usually need extra support.  Keep plans flexible. Working things through together can model effective life skills for your teens.

For Children
Creating special activities that children can participate in can be meaningful and comforting:
• “We planted a tree in the backyard.”
• “We had the children take cookies to the hospital workers where their father died.”
• “We donated money to a charity as a memorial.”
• “We had the children write a note or draw a picture and then we placed it at the gravesite.”

Again, a family meeting in which everyone can express their feelings and expectations is a good start. Talk about past holidays.  Children need extra support - keep plans flexible. Working things through together as a family will result in a stronger and more stable foundation for your children.

A beautiful poem to share:

Circle of Healing

By Luann

Friends holding hands,

listening with our hearts

Behold the power of this energy

The inner spirits unite and float

Upward to form a shelter

As this force slowly descends,

We are surrounded by a loving embrace

And bathed in healing light.

Free our spirits to live in joy

With memories of our loved ones.

Thank you for their lives

For our lives

Bless us one and all!

Grief is a natural part of life when someone we love dies. Finding your way through the changes and often painful emotions that arise during the days, weeks and months that follow a death can be difficult. You don’t have to do it alone. Hospice of Santa Cruz County has helped thousands of people through their grief journey. If you'd like information on our services available to help through our Grief Support Program, please call (831) 430-3000 or visit our website at www.hospicesantacruz.org/patients-family-community/grief-support-services.

10 Things for you to Remember this Holiday Season

1. I need to be proactive and plan ahead:  Studies show that those who experience the most difficulty with the holidays are those who have given little thought to the challenges they will encounter. During the planning, you may experience some emotional pain. As much as it hurts, it is helpful to you. When the holiday actually arrives, it is likely to be much less painful than you anticipated.

2. It is impossible to escape the holidays:  Like aliens in a horror movie, it is everywhere and in every country. “Escaping” as a coping mechanism simply does not work – reminders of the holidays will always appear. We can mentally ignore the holidays by pretending that they don’t exist but it takes tremendous emotional energy to deny all of the input we see around us.

3. Holidays can’t be what they once were:  Don’t try to keep everything as it was. If you try, you will be very disappointed.  Sometimes doing things just a little bit differently can acknowledge the change – even while preserving continuity with the past.  Different menus, decorations, or attending a different service may provide that slight but significant shift.

4. My holiday plans will affect other family members:  Talk your plans over with your family and listen to their needs and choices.  Express your feelings and needs honestly and compromise by allowing everyone to participate in ways they find comfortable - without feeling guilty about those choices.

5. There is no “right way” to celebrate the holidays –nothing is written in stone:  Should you accept or decline invitations?  What about cooking and baking? Should the house be decorated? What would be best for the children? What about holiday traditions, forget them for this year, try them, or develop new ones?  Should a visit be made to the cemetery that day? Leave the word “ought” out of the holiday this season.  Decide what is important to you this season and scratch the rest off the list. It is OK to say, “no”.

6. Change and growth go hand in hand – nothing is written in stone:  Give yourself permission to change traditions and rituals if you want. The option to return to the old traditions will always be there next year and the year after.  Consider changing the time, location, and/or menu of traditional meals. Attend religious services at a different time or at a different house of worship – or don’t go at all.  Decorate differently if you want – or don’t decorate at all.  Have a Christmas picnic on the beach or have your family serve breakfast to people at a homeless shelter.

7. I need to take care of myself physically:  A grieving body is more susceptible to illness and needs proper nourishment and rest.  Eat well and wisely. Break large tasks into small pieces and delegate chores to others.  Take naps when needed.  Allow yourself to cry – don’t deny yourself the physical gift of healing tears.  Try exercise; whatever your exercise of choice, it will do good for your spirit and your body, it’s a wonderful stress-reducer.  Don’t overdo the eggnog – alcohol is an antidote to nothing and can cause depression.  Avoid excessive sweets – they can precipitate mood swings.

8. I need to take care of myself emotionally:  “It’s okay to feel sad”. Even people who have not had a major loss feel the pressures, depression, and fatigue that come with the holidays. Accept ahead of time that there will be times when you are going to feel sad and depressed and make sure to bring along extra tissues.

“It’s okay to feel good”.Give yourself permission to feel good, to laugh, and even to have fun. Sometimes people feel guilty if they find themselves enjoying an activity. Feeling good and laughing is your body’s way of letting you relax and regain some strength for a few moments during your grief.  Remember, you are in no way being disrespectful to the memory of the deceased.

9. I need to take care of myself socially:  Let friends and families know what you can handle comfortably.  If possible choose the right people to be with – i.e., those with whom you feel comfortable sharing your feelings. Consider doing something special for someone else.  Think in advance about replies to the daunting questions such as “How are you doing?” Although probably asked by well-intentioned people, it can be frustrating or awkward to answer. A truthful answer might be, “Sometimes OK, and sometimes not too good.”  

Find someone you can talk to – do not allow yourself to become isolated:  

• The hospice bereavement counselor
• Spiritual leader (priest, pastor, rabbi)
• Counselor/Psychologist/Psychiatrist
• Relatives
• Friends

10. I need to take care of myself spiritually:  Take time for prayer, meditation, and reflection – especially in the middle of a challenge or at the beginning and the end of each day.  Spiritual time can renew as well as help to put things in perspective. Write in a journal daily during the season. This could become a forum for your feelings. Cultivate gratitude.  You may find consolation in attending religious services, and reading Holy Scriptures.  Keep in mind that painful loses can “shake up” religious beliefs. The questioning of faith is a normal expression of loss and is consistent with later spiritual growth. So, ask God, the tough questions.

Grief is a natural part of life when someone we love dies. Finding your way through the changes and often painful emotions that arise during the days, weeks and months that follow a death can be difficult. You don’t have to do it alone. Hospice of Santa Cruz County has helped thousands of people through their grief journey. If you'd like information on our services available to help through our Grief Support Program, please call (831) 430-3000 or visit our website at www.hospicesantacruz.org/patients-family-community/grief-support-services.

A Season to be Gentle

Almost everyone, when they are grieving, has one or more tasks or traditions that prove to be too difficult to handle or bear during this “festive” time.  In most families changes can be made and/or other family members can help, but nothing can change until you identify what you need. So often it is a simple change. Once identified, it can help bring you some peace of mind. Say YES to what you truly value during the holidays and NO to whatever contributes only to clutter or distraction.

Use the following reflection to write down and reflect on plans and feelings for the Holidays:

1. What are my fears for the holidays?
2. What are my values for the holidays?
3. What does a peace-filled holiday season look like?
4. List Holiday activity items under the the following categories:
1. Things I have to do      Things I like to do  Things I would rather not do
5. The ways I plan to take care of myself this holiday season are: 
6. List holiday activities you have done in the past:
7. List the activities you’ve enjoyed in the past:
8. Which activities would you enjoy or feel comfortable doing this year?
9. Are there changes you would like to make from past years’ activities?
10. Are there special things you would like to do this year because of your recent loss or to honor the memory of a loved one?
11. Other possibilities and ideas:

Grief is a natural part of life when someone we love dies. Finding your way through the changes and often painful emotions that arise during the days, weeks and months that follow a death can be difficult. You don’t have to do it alone. Hospice of Santa Cruz County has helped thousands of people through their grief journey. If you'd like information on our services available to help through our Grief Support Program, please call (831) 430-3000 or visit our website at www.hospicesantacruz.org/patients-family-community/grief-support-services.

Handling Holidays and Difficult Times

From Harvard Health Publications and The Washington Post, 2008

Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, and events that would otherwise be joyful can be especially hard on people who are grieving. If the grief is fresh, holiday cheer can seem like an affront. Celebrations may underscore how alone people feel.

Likewise, it's hard to accept that others may not mark the days that you do — the first time you met your loved one, a birthday, or the anniversary of an illness or death. The following strategies may help people ease pain around holidays and other difficult times.

Start a new tradition. People can remember their loved one on special occasions by placing a lighted candle on the table, leaving an empty chair, or saying a few words of remembrance. If the person who died always played a special role in festivities, another family member may be able to carry on the tradition.

Ask for advice. It may help some people to talk to others who have lost people close to them to find out how they have managed holidays.

Plan to mark the day. Others find it helpful to make special plans for an anniversary, birthday, or other special day. Think of a ritual to help you connect.

Examples include:

• Walk through a nature preserve, in the woods or on the beach.
• Visit the cemetery or the place where ashes were scattered.
• Enjoy an activity your loved one would also have loved.
• Light a candle and say a prayer.
• Carry a memento from your loved one.
• Go to a special holiday celebration at a place of worship where you can
• enjoy the music and other rituals, sitting where you can easily ‘escape’ if
• you need to.

Share your sentiments: Sharing and hearing stories about your loved one can be very healing. At your holiday dinner, ask 'Can we start with a prayer for the one who died?' David Kessler, a Los Angeles based expert on grief and loss suggests.

Light a candle. Go around the table and have everyone share a favorite memory. If folks at the table aren't so inclined, find a private moment to say that prayer or otherwise honor that memory. Include your loved one in your conversation.

Once others realize that you are comfortable talking about your loved one the may be more inclined to share stories that will add to your pleasant memories.

Develop a Plan A and Plan B: Plan A may be, I'm going to go to Thanksgiving dinner, Kessler offers. Plan B can say that, If it's too rough, too hard to be with everyone, I'm going to stay home and watch his favorite movie, take a walk through a favorite place of ours. I'm going to give in to grief if it overwhelms me.

Kessler says that when people go into holiday events with a Plan A and a Plan B, "They usually make it through dinner. Without Plan B, they feel only emptiness. With Plan B, they feel sadness but not emptiness."

Cancel the Holiday: "Many find comfort in the holidays, the routine, the deep spiritual connection," Kessler says. "But if it's too hard for you this year, it's really okay to cancel a holiday." Kessler cites the experience of the actor Anthony Perkins’ family after Perkins died. "The first Christmas, they decided to go on with Christmas, not matter what," he says. "But the following year they looked back on that and felt it had been painful and mechanical and hadn't allowed for their grief. So they canceled Christmas the second year." Taking a year off, Kessler explains, lets you and your family "go through your feelings without pressure to be joyful and fun." Starting the third year after Perkins’s death, Kessler adds, his family was able to "create a new Christmas."

Seek a sympathetic ear: "If you feel you're not able to function, to find balance, to find any distance from the pain, seek help," Dale Larson, professor of counseling psychology at Santa Clara University in California, advises. "Find a grief support group, where you'll find instant empathy from people who have suffered similar losses." Don't like groups? Look for an individual counselor. Or, use our Drop-In group for the holidays.  Hospice of Santa Cruz County has helped thousands of people through their grief journey. If you'd like information on our services available to help through our Grief Support Program, please call (831) 430-3000 or visit our website at www.hospicesantacruz.org/patients-family-community/grief-support-services.

You Will Survive the Holidays

You may hurt, but you will survive. The holidays may be the worst of your grief time. Eventually, you will heal, and your memories will persist without pain. Meanwhile, it’s OK not to have a good time. There may be no way you can make this holiday fun and there may be nothing you want to do. Allow that you may not enjoy the parties, reunions and events of the season. If you are hurting and unable or unwilling to have your attention on anything else, let yourself be.

It is also OK to have a good time, even though you have experienced a loss. You do not have to deny pleasure to yourself or your family. While grieving, we often feel guilty about having fun, as if we should be miserable all twenty-four hours a day. That is not necessary. Often, we think it is how much we grieve that signifies how much we care about the one who died. Not true! Our love is not measured by the extent of our grief. We can love forever without having grief as our testimonial to that love. Remember, few of us would want others to be forever bereft because we were gone.

Perhaps the best testimonial we can give to our missing loved ones is how we live our lives. Don’t deny yourself life because someone has died. If you can do so, enjoy the holidays and every day, for death teaches us, more than anything, that every day of life is precious and worth living to the fullest. The best gift we can give ourselves and others for the holidays and every day is to live our lives wholeheartedly.

Symbolic Ways to Honor Our Loved Ones

• Purchase a special remembrance candle. Place it in a prominent place in your home. Burn it all day or at special, selected times.
• Place a special flower or bouquet of flowers on a table by a photograph.
• Attend a religious service.
• Visit the cemetery.
• Spend spiritual quiet time alone.
• Include a memory of your loved one in your holiday cards.
• At holiday gatherings, ask people to write a memory on a piece of paper and place it in a basket by the door. It may comfort you and encourage others to share their memories.
• Buy flowers for your church or other organization in memory of your loved one for many people to enjoy.

Grief is a natural part of life when someone we love dies. Finding your way through the changes and often painful emotions that arise during the days, weeks and months that follow a death can be difficult. You don’t have to do it alone. Hospice of Santa Cruz County has helped thousands of people through their grief journey. If you'd like information on our services available to help through our Grief Support Program, please call (831) 430-3000 or visit our website at www.hospicesantacruz.org/patients-family-community/grief-support-services.

Resolving How or Where to Spend Holidays

Choosing how or where to spend the holidays may be your biggest dilemma. There is no perfect solution. Holiday time may be hard no matter what you do or where you are. The choices are to celebrate as usual, avoid the holidays altogether, or do something entirely different.

Celebrate as usual. Many people wish to keep their holiday traditions intact, to celebrate as usual. This way is bound to be painful, accentuating the gap left by the loss. It is fine to follow family traditions as long as you know they cannot be the same as before your loved one died and you have the energy to do so.  Pretending you can recreate the past may cause you more grief. Just remember to allow any feelings as they occur.

Avoid the holidays. It is not wrong to want to avoid Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas or other holidays entirely. If celebrating seems too difficult to bear, you can choose not to observe the holidays and go somewhere else - skiing, a cruise, a resort, a different city. If you cannot afford to travel, walk in the woods, go to the beach, the movies or some other distracting or quiet place. There is no guarantee that this will erase your pain, but it may lessen it some.

Do something new and different. If NOT celebrating would deeply disappoint or deprive children or other family members, you probably cannot run away from them. Yet, you can avoid repeating your traditional ways and perhaps observe your holidays more simply than before. People often work too hard cooking, decorating, planning, shopping and entertaining at holiday times, so you may want to consider easing up.

Often, the more we try to recreate the past, the more obvious is our loss, so changing tradition can be a freeing and satisfying way to spend the season. You can celebrate Thanksgiving, Chanukah or Christmas in a brand new way by going to the home of a different relative or friend, having a family reunion away from home, or eating in a restaurant. You can do anything that will make your holiday experience new rather than a memory with someone in it missing.

If it’s too hard for you personally to think up a new way to do the holidays, give the job of planning to a creative friend or relative. Again, most important in taking care of yourself is not to feel you have to do it all - whatever the circumstances.

Grief is a natural part of life when someone we love dies. Finding your way through the changes and often painful emotions that arise during the days, weeks and months that follow a death can be difficult. You don’t have to do it alone. Hospice of Santa Cruz County has helped thousands of people through their grief journey. If you'd like information on our services available to help through our Grief Support Program, please call (831) 430-3000 or visit our website at www.hospicesantacruz.org/patients-family-community/grief-support-services.

Survival Strategies for the Holidays

Be kind to yourself. This is a time when it is important to take good care of yourself. Nothing you do will make a bigger difference than respecting yourself, your needs and your feelings. Handling your emotions may be the only job you can manage right now. Because no one knows your needs as well as you do, you need to notice them and honor them. Don’t overwhelm yourself just because it is the holiday season. Instead, do only as much as you can comfortably manage. Get the rest, nourishment and affection you need. Choose what’s best for you – to be with people or spend time alone, choose to be immersed in the holiday spirit or not.

Express your feelings. The surest road through grief is to feel it, not deny it. If you are hurting, the best advice is to allow your feelings. Cry if you need to cry, rage if you need to rage. Admit the longings, the loneliness or whatever you are feeling. Feelings expressed ultimately will disappear, but when feelings are suppressed, nothing changes.

Ask for what you need. Other people do not know how you feel unless you tell them. Don’t just go along with people or plans that are not for you. Tell people what would help you most. Friends and relatives may think you will feel better if you do not talk about your loss, or they may be afraid to upset you by mentioning the missing person. If you want to talk about the person who is gone, say so. If you want your privacy respected, if you need companionship or want a shoulder to cry on, say so. People outside your grief may feel awkward and not know what to do. As much as they want to help, they need you to direct them.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help with planning, shopping, entertaining or just getting through today. Ultimately, asking for help will make your life a little easier. If you cannot shop or decorate this year, ask a friend, relative, or other agency volunteer to help. What looks challenging to you may be a lot of fun for someone else. As hard as it may be to imagine, remember that serving you can be very satisfying and rewarding for the other person.

Create support for yourself. Be sure you have people with whom you can talk. Most of us can cope best with tough times if we have a loving presence – a relative or a friend to walk with us through this painful time. When spouses/partners or family members hurt as much as you do and cannot be a support, find an alternative. Look for a short-term support partner, perhaps a friend, another person in grief, a relative, a counselor. Or, create a small group of people who have similar concerns with whom you can stay in touch daily or frequently through the holidays or beyond. Supportive people and support groups really help.

Help another person in need. Contributing to someone else moves your attention elsewhere. Helping another can be a very effective way of healing after a loss, because when you are immersed in someone else’s needs, you can be free of your own distress and pain. If you have the energy, there are many ways to volunteer. Some possibilities are to volunteer to be with older folks or children, to help in a hospital or a soup kitchen, or to help a friend in need over the holidays.

Appreciate your other loved ones. Enjoy the people you love. It is natural to feel alone in your grief and want to isolate yourself, yet that closes off all chances for closeness and nourishment from other people. Don’t deprive your children, spouse/partner, other loved ones or yourself. As hard as it may be to get your attention off your loss, they need your love too. And in return, their love can nourish you and help you begin to heal.

Don’t compare your life with other people. Feeling jealous of intact families and feeling deprived are natural reactions after a loss - as if other families are happier than yours, as if other people have what you do not. We have a lot of illusions about how other people live. Contrary to our illusions, holiday times are often not ideal times for families, intact or not. Don’t try to compare lives, it only adds to your misery. Embracing what you have, gives you much more power than regretting what is missing.

Grief is a natural part of life when someone we love dies. Finding your way through the changes and often painful emotions that arise during the days, weeks and months that follow a death can be difficult. You don’t have to do it alone. Hospice of Santa Cruz County has helped thousands of people through their grief journey. If you'd like information on our services available to help through our Grief Support Program, please call (831) 430-3000 or visit our website at www.hospicesantacruz.org/patients-family-community/grief-support-services.

Surviving the Holidays When Someone You Love Has Died

We know that during the Holidays those of us who are grieving the loss of a loved one can find this time to be particularly difficult.

Hospice of Santa Cruz County wants to help.

We may need extra support for surviving the holiday season if we are in the midst of grief. In the next couple of weeks we will be posting a number of survival strategies and suggestions adapted from Judy Tatelbaum, MSW and James A. Avery, MD - Medical Director VNSNY Hospice Care; along with poems and photos. Using these suggestions won’t necessarily take your grief away, but they can help you manage your grief at a time of the year when the world is supposed to be joyous.

We’ll start by sharing the following poem written by Jacqueline Brown for National Children’s Memorial Day:

Lights of Love

Can you see our candles

Burning in the night?

Lights of love we send you

Rays of purest white

(Loved ones) we remember

Though missing from our sight

In honor and remembrance

We light candles in the night

All across the big blue marble

Spinning out in space

Can you see the candles burning

From this human place?

Oh, angels gone before us

Who taught us perfect love

This night the world lights candles

That you may see them from above

Tonight the globe is lit by love

Of those who know great sorrow,

But as we remember our yesterdays

Let's light one candle for tomorrow

We will not forget,

And every year in deep December

On Earth we will light candles

As................we remember

Grief is a natural part of life when someone we love dies. Finding your way through the changes and often painful emotions that arise during the days, weeks and months that follow a death can be difficult. You don’t have to do it alone. Hospice of Santa Cruz County has helped thousands of people through their grief journey. If you'd like information on our services available to help through our Grief Support Program, please call (831) 430-3000 or visit our website at www.hospicesantacruz.org/patients-family-community/grief-support-services.

We Honor Veterans Quilt Winner

The lucky raffle ticket for the beautiful “We Honor Veterans” quilt was pulled at the annual Hospice of Santa Cruz County Tree of Lights event on Sunday, December 8th (the anniversary weekend of Pearl Harbor).  This stunning quilt entitled  “Comfort at Pearl Harbor”  honors our WWII veterans.  It was made and donated  by the Pajaro Valley Quilt Association as a fundraiser for Hospice of Santa Cruz County’s We Honor Veterans program.

Congratulations to Elaine-Maryse Solari who was delighted beyond words to hear that she was the lucky winner of the “We Honor Veterans” quilt. We also want to extent a sincere thank you to all the folks that purchased raffle tickets and to the Pajaro Valley Quilters that supported our We Honor Veterans fundraiser.